I’ve heard similar phrases to the blog title my whole life, most of which are part of some sickly sweet – and more than a little trite – life-confirming, motivational poster. The kind that usually have kids hugging, or a kitten, or kids hugging kittens.
For some reason, hearing it again during the movie “Her” made a much deeper impact, probably because the movie itself addresses human emotions in a way that is different to anything I’d ever seen before, but perfectly captures something that I have contemplated at many times in my life; emotions are not tied to reality.
It’s not a spoiler, but the main character falls in love with an operating system. Yes it helps that it’s the voice of Scarlet Johansson (the visual certainly does anyway), but nevertheless, she is an artificial intelligence that achieves a simulacrum of humanity, including emotions, and even attempts a more physical demonstration of her feelings.
The point of this blog is not the movie (which is absolutely stunning), it’s that we do something very similar every day. Not to the same extent clearly, but how many times do we invent intricate stories behind some perceived slight that makes the offending party out to be some kind of jerk?
“How DARE they drive slowly in the overtaking lane, they KNOW I’m behind them and are doing it on purpose!?”
“They didn’t return my call, obviously they don’t respect me.”
“The team did not invite me out to lunch, they are probably talking about me!”
On the other hand, how many times have we confronted the offending party/ies about this just to find that they have no idea what we are talking about, and either have a perfectly reasonable explanation for the assumed slight, or are genuinely sorry to have caused us pain unintentionally?
Yet the pain is still there, isn’t it? And we still judge them harshly, sometimes for a significant time after the event, don’t we?
And some of us never forgive.
It does not matter to us humans whether or not the cause of the emotion (love, fear, hate etc.) is real or not, the brain reacts the EXACT same way. From initial reaction to the stimulus, to the retention of the long term memory, real and unreal are identical. WE create the story of every aspect of our lives, and unfortunately we also tend to defend those stories even in the face of all evidence to the contrary. Some call aspects of this ‘faith’, I call it excuse to stop thinking, regardless of the subject.
Anyone who has fallen in love with you for whom they WANTED you to be is no less hurt than someone you intentionally fooled. The responsibility shifts, but the results are the same; they get hurt.
Add to this that most people will naturally assume the worst, not the best, and you have the recipe for a long line of stressful encounters. For example, when was the last time someone was late for a meeting and you assumed they had just won the lottery? Each of these negative stories we invent just reinforces the previous ones, and before long, we are looking at all situations and people through sh!t-coloured glasses.
People who tend towards the judgemental are constantly comparing others actions to their own, and as a result of those actions failing to meet the required standard, create negative stories about people they barely know. Combine judgment with an unforgiving nature and you have a person surrounded by enemies. All in their own minds.
I have no solution for this, I do it myself constantly, but being AWARE of my tendencies has allowed me to be far more flexible, and that can only be a good thing.
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